This Weekend, 01/07 & 01/08…Joe Fuckin’ Ricchio!!!
Not sure if you heard, but Rachel is in a 28 day program to wean herself off of Dulcolax suppositories! What started out as a harmless curiosity has matured into a full blown proclivity! We wish Rachel god-speed in getting that monkey out of her ass!
In the meantime…Joe Ricchio has valiantly stepped up to pinch-hit in our time of need! Fresh off the heels of his wildly successful new television series; Food Coma TV, Joe will undoubtedly prance about The Snug like a rooster in heat…if roosters went into heat…which they don’t…but you get my drift. In between strutting and autograph signings, I’m absolutely sure he’ll make you a cocktail that will sooth and delight!
Yeah, about New Year’s Day…
Remember when I said we’d be open? Well that’s not going to happen. The bartender has come down with a terrible case of Maple Syrup Urine Disease! It awful…yet delicious sounding! So, long story short..relax, be hungover, enjoy a football game or parade, eat some pancakes and we’ll see you on Monday all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!
The Two Days of Laziness
Enjoy a good book during this holiday season! You’ll have plenty of time as we will be closed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Don’t fret…as a special holiday surprise, we’ll be OPEN NEW YEAR’S DAY!!!
I Think Everyone Lived To Tell About It
What a great night! Thanks to everyone for being so awesome…I think…I was pretty tipsy…
I still can’t believe how many people let me give them a tribal face painting! That was amazing. Oh, and sorry I “accidentally” mixed some henna in with the paint. I’m sure it will probably wear off in 5 to 8 days.
A very special thanks to MICHELLE and JONAH for putting up with all the celebratory nuances of the night (that’s polite speak for ‘working while your co-workers get waaaaasted’). The night would not have been such a huge success if it weren’t for Michelle and her mad skills. My favorite antic was in response to a customer ordering another drink. The custy said, “you can use the same glass.” Michelle took the glass and licked it from one end to the other, and then feigned reusing it. Oh, how I laughed and laughed…
Additionally, Michelle was a very good sport about being the brunt of some of the night’s more ‘probing’ questions, i.e., “How much do you think I think Michelle weighs?” ‘How long was it before Michelle could put something in her vagina that time she had that vagina issue?” and “How many times per month does Michelle get her period?” [ answer: a lot!].
I’d also like to give an honorable mention to Sarah for being my wing-woman during the quiz portions of the night, Sully for providing the prizes, and Rachel for providing the inspiration for my favorite answer of the night; I instructed everyone to turn their gaze away from Rachel and then asked what color was her hair…someone shouted, NEAPOLITAN!!!
Men Are From Mars
I could do years of applied research on men’s rooms in bars and probably never come to any reasonable conclusion as to WHY what goes on in there goes on in there. It is a room designed for one task (that’s right, just ONE task…poop at home, weirdos!) with equipment provided to facilitate said function in the most succinct and sanitarily-pleasing way. Yet if I had to attach hard numbers to this event, I’d say 95% of all men see the toilet as merely a suggestion and not an actual final destination for their urine. I wonder why men’s room toilets have not evolved into a full-room basin that covers the walls to about shoulder height.
Then there’s the artwork. Seriously? One’s only priority in this little room should be to eject urine from the urinary bladder through the urethra to the outside of the body. Pretty straight forward, but right out of the gate the wheels come off the bus for men and the two sexes part ways. A man and a women enter their respective little room. They see the urine receptacle. The woman thinks…empty bladder now. The man thinks…interesting toilet they have there, but before/if I pee in it, what else could I pee in?…oh, and is there something to write on?…if not, do I have a writing utensil on me?…if not, do I have a sharp object in my pocket with which I can carve into the walls?
All fascinating questions, but why 2D art? Why isn’t music the artistic expression of choice in a public toilet? What was the evolutionary sequence that precipitated singing and drawing getting switched at birth? Men should draw in the shower…it’ll wash right off…and produce musical sounds with their voice in a public restroom. It’d be much more advantageous for everyone! You’d ward off potential intruders by letting them know in advance of your presence. You could drown out any peeing noises if that sort of thing made you uncomfortable. You’d have both of your hands free to better focus on a more accurate placement of your urine. There is no visual damage or vandalistic interpretations from your expression. Sing as horribly as you’d like…take up the entire fucking room with it…no matter what noises come out of your mouth, I don’t have to spackle and re-paint it in the morning.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…men are very odd creatures.
We Call It WipeOut ’11
For our company party this year, we decided to go snowmobiling in The Forks. I’ll let the pictures tell the story.*
*While the names have remained the same, most of the events have been wildly exaggerated or even fabricated to make it seem more interesting.
Anyone Know A Douchebag Named Daniel J. Bickel?
“If you’re gonna steal from The Snug, you’d better goddamn KNOW. This sorta thing used to be civilized, you’d hit a guy, he’d whack you, done. But with The Snug… at the end of this, she’d BETTER not know you’re involved, not know your name or think you’re dead because she’ll kill ya, and then she’ll go to work on ya.” ~ Rueben, Ocean’s Eleven
That being said…Daniel J. Bickel, you stupid fucking sack of shit…seriously, you come into MY bar and steal MY property with cameras trained on your fat, ugly face and you think I’m not going to notice? I realize your Daddy made fun of you because you couldn’t grow anything but a tiny little lap-pencil and he probably beat you in front of your childhood peers because of said microscopic penis. However, there comes a day when you’re just going to have to start faking it and stop acting like the obtuse, dimwitted, mindnumbingly-numb imbecile you are.
Have You Listened To FakeComedian’s Podcast?
Many of you have…but if you’re among the sheltered few who have missed out, please navigate to FakeComedian’s website to give a listen! This link will start you out on Episode 6 (my personal favorite). Give it a few minutes…it begins kinda dry…but before too long you’ll be having to change your nappy. With these two guests (The Fuge and Country Rhodes), there’s actually a bonus podcast!
Many local celebrities have been guests, such as comedians Joe Ricchio and Rachel Flehinger, as well as Portland’s most notorious bon vivant, Ben Putnam. Once you’re hooked, you’ll want to enjoy all of the episodes.
When in Portland, the podcasts are recorded at The Snug. The plot is simple…we drink copious amounts of alcohol and then say wildly inappropriate things. What could go wrong?
Sully Gets Circumcised!
The Snug will be closed this Monday, the 6th. Respect Sully’s wishes for privacy as he embarks on a new and more Yiddish way of life.
