Because I was experiencing Co2 issues and awaiting a possible service call, I HAD to go into the bar today. However, I prepared myself to do some fancy, fast-talkin’ with Sully in order to convince him to come to work tonight. If he was hesitant about showing up, I missed the cue. Due to the 84th parking ban of the ’08/’09 winter season, he would have to park his van 4 blocks away. No worries. In fact, he had already arranged for a ride from his vehicle to The Snug. What the? He had just gotten back from a week-long ski trip. Was it THAT good? Hmmmm. I reiterate that there is a 6pm parking ban tonight….6pm…not 10pm. Yup…I’ll be there at five he says. What the…?
Anyway, the point of this post is not to illuminate Sully’s enigmatism (yes, I do believe I just invented a new word!), but to play the What The F*¢k card. What the frig, City of Portland? Seriously, it would be one thing if, when I arrive at 223 Congress Street tomorrow at 4:03pm…like I do…there were parking spaces available, but you and I both know that, if I find ANY spaces at all that don’t require Hankook Zovac HP W401 winter studded snow tires to barrel into, I’ll be teetering on a 45º ice ledge with the ass-end of my car just begging to be dry-humped….AND THIS IS CONGRESS STREET. Cumberland will be a death-defying, nail-biting adventure all on its own, climaxing with a rousing game of you go…no you go….no you go…you back up…no I’ll back…wait…I’ll pull over…oh, you want me to go?….no?…what? from Franklin to Washington. Seriously, I’m asking the City of Portland, as politely as possible, if you’re going to hobble my business with ridiculous parking curfews because you need to plow….PLOW. Not just one swatch down the middle; you can do that with cars parked along the side. I mean, actually plow…the entire road…parking spaces and all.
Personally, it would behoove me to ban parking bans altogether. Check it. Go ahead…plow the cars into their spots. The drivers will walk or get a cab home…and they’ll happily dig themselves out in the morning! I’ll arrive to the bar at 4:03pm…like I do…to find the same jaggy, impossible-to-park-in mess I always do, but with a few more sheets in my wallet cause the custys didn’t have to bail at 6f*¢kingPM!
Thank you very much, City of Portland, for your attention to this matter. You’re very pretty. Please don’t revoke my license. 
