Michelle’s Campaign Diary
Below are excerpts taken from Michelle’s diary. I share this with you so that you may better understand my plight.
April 09, 2008
just got word that I did NOT win Best Bartender…AGAIN…from the Portland Phoenix. i’m so humiliated. told people i didn’t care, but i do. it hurts. HURTS. real bad. the agony of defeat. feel urge to kill. been drinkin jack all day. helping. hopefully i’ll black out before i cry myself to sleep.
April 10, 2008
great day!
new plan…no more sulking…vengeance WILL be mine!!! not waiting 20-something years like that loser susan lucci. F that!!! if i can’t win fair and square, i’ll steal the motherucker.
first point of order, compile list of ALL potential 2009 Best Bartender nominees. kill them. jk…not really…jk. can’t get caught. yikes. i wouldn’t last a day in the dollhouse.
got it!…start rumor that sully is a serial killer…kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
no good. killin’ is wrong. lol.
um…think of ways to eliminate competition whilst making it look like a string of accidents. yes! a la tonya harding!! that’s it. i’ll Gillooly their hands. can’t make drinks if they’ve got no fingers!!!
June 3, 2008
elimination efforts going well. even my cop friends don’t suspect. 53 hands inoperable 367 to go!
still stings whenever i think about april’s defeat. doing too much blow in an effort to squash to pain of rejection. good thing it’s not addictive!
June 16, 2008
Mags found my journal. thinks it’s a bad idea to keep diary outlining plot. will speak in code from now on.
snorting B [wink] has given me a rockin’ bod but i seriously think all the HJs and BJs would be just as well received if I were a fatty. all about winning votes, not about getting extra cash to score more B. wow…i love the B so much, you’d think it WAS addictive. i’m pretty sure i read somewhere that it wasn’t.
July 24, 2008
followed 2008 portland phoenix best bartender winner, JG, to his place of employ, Full Beeney’s [wink wink]. mags keeps telling me to let it go, but revenge is important. made several attempts to unleash hell, but JG keep interrupting plan by asking me…like, every two minutes…if i wanted a drink. wtf? hellllloooo? nobody asks a customer what they want for at least 20 minutes. sheeezh. how’d this guy win best bartender in the first place? bygones…for now.
September 1, 2008
have successfully secured incriminating photos of all Phoenix big-wigs. jaw hurts and palms blistered but worth it!!!!
October 20, 2008
decided to take mag’s advise and try to actually win over the public with this new thing called “customer service.” because i stared at her blankly while she blathered on and on and on about it, she signed me up for some bullshit professional development & people-skills workshop. she said there was free booze there. i’ll check it out. whatev.
October 21, 2008
expelled from bullshit workshop for various reasons (use your imagination, diary, lol), however, learned a few things before being asked – no so nicely, btw – to leave.
1. customers do not appreciate urine OR feces in their drinks OR food, EVER. no senses of humor.
2. customers may not be receptive to physical attacks, even if i say “just kidding” immediately after.
3. showing up to work drunk is frowned upon in many workplace environments.
4. while tiny-Tshirts may win votes, considered unprofessional. f that!
5. HJs and BJs are not acceptable customer services. (they never said anything about RJs. hahaha)
December 24, 2008
feeling ho-ho-ho due to all the HJs, BJs, RJs, and B. could be all the B, but feel best-bartender win is in the bag!!!! GOD, THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!
January 1, 2009
new year’s resolution…no more B, hookers, late-night TV shopping, online porn (“erotica,” sorry M), or armed robberies. feeling VERY positive. willpower at an all-time high!!!
January 2, 2008
f*¢k!…my head. several questions, who’s the dead hooker next to me? where did these ginsu knives come from? why are cops knocking on my door? and is that blood splatters on my glock-9? OMG, my pockets are full of $20s and $10s – AWESOME!!!
February 14, 2009
ah, the day of love! gave out many HJs with no vote-reciprocity necessary!!! jk. as if.
March 1, 2009
The nominations are in!!! turns out big-wigs at phoenix know what’s best for ‘em.
March 10, 2009
shit! all top phoenix fat-cats resigned. no time to get dirt on new bunch. also, need to stop methodically maiming portland bartenders and focus on 4 actual nominees. good times, though…good times.
hmmm. how to eliminate the remaining competition…killing would seem suspicious at this point. must start kiddie-touching rumors.
March 30, 2009
OMG…jaw is going to drop off! customers are insatiable, especially the lesbians!
got bad news from gyn…no cure. ouch. whatev…if winning was easy, everybody’d be doing it!
April 7, 2009
can’t concentrate. results come out soon.
feel pretty good about chances. have several phoenix printers and distributors tied up in basement as i write. between sobbing, i’m pretty sure i heard one of them say “michelle won easy…michelle won easy.” but dakota…a.k.a., kill-joy…thought they were saying “please don’t kill me….please don’t kill me.”
we’ll see. lol