I Feel Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills
In light of recent excitement at The Snug, I feel this is as good a time as any to go the fuck OFF on minors…and their mothers.
This rant begins with the mother of a minor accusing me of being “hostile” and “insane.” While I thoroughly enjoy talking to psychologists and counselors, each time I try to become a patient, I’m given a clean bill of mental health and fired fairly quickly as a patient for being “normal.” Therefore, while I’m perfectly willing to take on the label of “insane,” to date, I have flunked the test. That leaves us with “hostile.”
When a minor tries to drink in my bar, you bet your sweet fucking ass I’m going to get “hostile.” Any other reaction would be…wait for it…INSANE!
So, without further ado, this is what MommyFuckNuts said to me…”I’m sorry my daughter came to your bar but what you’re doing is illegal!” Really? You’re tear-ass because I used a public forum to learn the identity of your kid. Why? Because she was embarrassed about being called out? Seriously, this is your concern? What about your daughter and her fucky little friend attempting to put me out of business? Doesn’t that seem just a smidge more serious? I COULD LOSE MY FUCKING BUSINESS, YOU STUPID FUCKING TWAT! My bartender could be fined, lose her job, lose her ability to work as a bartender anywhere for at least a year and perhaps permanently. I’m not sure how much you think I earn as a bar owner, but I can assure you, it’s a whole lot less than that. If a minor was caught in my bar, even if her ID was flawless, all of the afore mentioned shit could happen, but even if it doesn’t…even if I manage to get a pass because her ID would have fooled the best, that still leaves me with a hefty liquor liability insurance hike that will undoubtably guarantee a very long time before I start running my business in the black again.
It was this mother’s stunning lack of brain function that actually made me start to feel sorry for her kid. Sure, the kid fucked up. She should have immediately apologized, cut up her sweet fake ID and it would have been over. But no. She hid behind adults to fix her shit. At least the fucky little friend had the nuts to call himself, but did he apologize? Hell no. He threw a hissy and like MommyFuckNuts, accused ME of being the bad guy. Seriously? You’re grifters. YOU’RE the fucking criminal NOT the victim.
The bar business is the only business I can think of where I, as the victim of a con, am held culpable for the criminal’s actions. Kids go to heroic lengths to get perfect fake IDs, yet because a bar falls victim to THEIR crime, the bar has everything to lose and the true criminal gets a stern finger wagging. That’s fair [insert eye-roll].
So, MommyFuckNuts, you’re right. I AM insane. Insane to own a business where I, not you, am responsible to clean up your fucking mess. But the least you could do is thank me instead of blaming me. Thank me for parenting your kid where you failed.
If I had gotten caught being served when I was a minor, my mother would have snatched me bald…snatched me the mother-fuck bald!! She would not have yelled at the bar. She would have marched me down there and made me act like the adult I was pretending to be. She would have made me apologize and promise never to darken their doorstep again. I know this to be true, because it happened.
It has been suggested that I went too far when I heard tell of these two fake IDs cavorting about town, but wouldn’t things be a whole lot simpler if EVERYONE did what I did? Don’t you think far fewer minors would be trying to drink before they were eligible if they were made painfully aware of the ramifications of their actions? To everyone who says, “that’s not how I would have handled it” I say, you’re part of the problem, not me.
Read MoreThis Weekend, 01/07 & 01/08…Joe Fuckin’ Ricchio!!!
Not sure if you heard, but Rachel is in a 28 day program to wean herself off of Dulcolax suppositories! What started out as a harmless curiosity has matured into a full blown proclivity! We wish Rachel god-speed in getting that monkey out of her ass!
In the meantime…Joe Ricchio has valiantly stepped up to pinch-hit in our time of need! Fresh off the heels of his wildly successful new television series; Food Coma TV, Joe will undoubtedly prance about The Snug like a rooster in heat…if roosters went into heat…which they don’t…but you get my drift. In between strutting and autograph signings, I’m absolutely sure he’ll make you a cocktail that will sooth and delight!
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Yeah, about New Year’s Day…
Remember when I said we’d be open? Well that’s not going to happen. The bartender has come down with a terrible case of Maple Syrup Urine Disease! It awful…yet delicious sounding! So, long story short..relax, be hungover, enjoy a football game or parade, eat some pancakes and we’ll see you on Monday all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!
Read MoreThe Two Days of Laziness
Enjoy a good book during this holiday season! You’ll have plenty of time as we will be closed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Don’t fret…as a special holiday surprise, we’ll be OPEN NEW YEAR’S DAY!!!
Read MoreI Think Everyone Lived To Tell About It
What a great night! Thanks to everyone for being so awesome…I think…I was pretty tipsy…
I still can’t believe how many people let me give them a tribal face painting! That was amazing. Oh, and sorry I “accidentally” mixed some henna in with the paint. I’m sure it will probably wear off in 5 to 8 days.
A very special thanks to MICHELLE and JONAH for putting up with all the celebratory nuances of the night (that’s polite speak for ‘working while your co-workers get waaaaasted’). The night would not have been such a huge success if it weren’t for Michelle and her mad skills. My favorite antic was in response to a customer ordering another drink. The custy said, “you can use the same glass.” Michelle took the glass and licked it from one end to the other, and then feigned reusing it. Oh, how I laughed and laughed…
Additionally, Michelle was a very good sport about being the brunt of some of the night’s more ‘probing’ questions, i.e., “How much do you think I think Michelle weighs?” ‘How long was it before Michelle could put something in her vagina that time she had that vagina issue?” and “How many times per month does Michelle get her period?” [ answer: a lot!].
I’d also like to give an honorable mention to Sarah for being my wing-woman during the quiz portions of the night, Sully for providing the prizes, and Rachel for providing the inspiration for my favorite answer of the night; I instructed everyone to turn their gaze away from Rachel and then asked what color was her hair…someone shouted, NEAPOLITAN!!!
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