The Snug • 223 Congress St • Portland, Maine

Oh…We have Paddy now. My b.

I suspect this will be exciting news to those of you who enjoy fire-water. jk. If you’ve never tried it, it’s apparently very smooth comparatively. While I rarely “enjoy” the whiskey, if I HAVE to make a toast to the dead, Paddy is my go-to…although no good ever comes of it. Holy Jesus in a unionsuit! I could tell you stories. ["Five cups???...three and an half cups???...WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE????" - that quote is for you, Ang] My point being…aaaaah, forget it. Drink it, don’t drink it. I don’t care.

Next topic. Over the next couple of weeks [read:months] please pardon The Snug’s appearance. I’m installing a little somethin-somethin that I guarantee will amaze and delight…me. You may not appreciate it. I know for a fact, my beer-delivery-guys are going to HATE it, but it’s something that I’ve been wanting to do so, fuck it, I’m doing it. It’s really pricey but I was thinking about it, and as Michelle will be looking at it WAY more than me, I’m taking the money out of her paycheck to pay for it. Also, I have instructed her that she will need to perform certain erotic favors to certain vendors to get certain parts at certain prices. Again, my point…she’s going to be broke and sore…go easy on her.

And finally, a personal note to my GotCalledOutSoNowHeIsFeelingAllSulky cyber-stalker. FYI, my SweetBaby may be a handsome man, a brilliant mind, a composer of songs that make the whole world sing, but he is also an IT Engineer by trade. Just so you know…we’re watching you watch me!

Oh, and another thing…soon I’ll have to raise the prices a little bit…don’t hit me!

Did You Lose a Chenille Scarf?

Well, it sucks to be you!

[Brinnggg brinnggg]

(MICHELLE) Hello?…The Snug…how can I help you?

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Yes, I left a chenille scarf at the bar last night.

(MICHELLE) Oh…let me check…hmmm….sorry….it’s not here.

[For normal folks, the conversation should have ended here]

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Uh, I was sitting in the first booth…it’s chenille.

(MICHELLE) Yep, I checked all the booths and all the places it would have been put if it had been found, but it’s not here.

[This is where the conversation should have ended if the person on the other end suffered from a slight mental health issue but managed it with a steady flow of Xanax].

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Are you sure?

(MICHELLE) I’ll keep an eye out, but it’s seriously not here.

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Fine.

Click.

A few minutes later, a man enters…slaps his palms down on the bar and says…

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) I’m looking for a scarf my wife left here last night.

(MICHELLE) Yes, she just called…I’m sorry…I looked all around and continued to look after we hung up…It’s just not here.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) We were sitting right there!!!

[picture a Hitleresque lunatic pointing at one of the booths]

(MICHELLE) And, as you can see, it’s not there. It’s not in this bar.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) Really?

(MICHELLE) Really.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) REALLY?!?!

(MICHELLE) Really.

[end scene]

First of all, I’d like to tell Mr. and Mrs. Knob-Job to go fuck themselves. Since when is it my frigging job to babysit your scraggly-ass, dime store, chenille scarf? And (b), who the hell are you to pitch a hissy in my bar after you were the one too feckless to hang onto your shit? Auuuuuggghhhhh…I hate you! You make me want to run away to Panama City and open a hump-hump bar.

Holiday Schedule

The Snug will be closed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, as well as New Year’s Day.

Oh, and another thing…we’ll be closed until 7:00pm on January second. A couple who met and fell in love at The Snug have decided to get married here! (I made that last bit up. Psych! The part about them meeting at The Snug, i.e. They are, in fact, a couple and are getting married at The Snug and we will be closed until 7, but the rest is bullshit.)

BLACK FREAKIN’ FRIDAY SPECIALS!!!!

To the fella who called and left a message…f•¢k yeah we have Black Friday specials!!!!

All night long, I will beat RiRa’s  price on a pint of Guinness by .25¢!

Shit…then you’d be paying .75¢ more than you normally would at The Snug. Hmmmm.  Well, that’s pretty special for me!

Gobble Gobble Gobble

Strange, coming from the 20+/- year vegetarian, but…I’ve been drinking, so whatev! Okay, we’ll be totally closed tomorrow…Thanksgiving Day. Stay home…sleep it off…come back Friday, ready to do some damage!

I Think I’m PMSing

…so I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now, but has anyone ever known me NOT to throw caution to the wind?

Wine Glasses. That’s the topic. Much controversy surrounds the non-stemware I’ve chosen to serve wine in. Trust me when I say I could go on and on and on and on defending what constitutes a traditional wine glass. I could discredit the merits associated with modern-day stemware easier than deflowering a whore on Mellon Street. Why, I could even make some shit up…which is what I do best. But, since I am, in fact, PMSing and this is going to come out bitchy regardless, I might as well be frank.

1. Wine doesn’t make the cut here at The Snug. It’s not a big seller, spoilage is redonkerous, and too many of the people who drink wine are A-holes so they’re not exactly high on my woo list. (Now, let me be the first to interject that I typically drink wine over all other adult beverages. Am I an A-hole? Who’s to say for sure. I don’t think so, but then again, I’m not the kind to reject a bottle or complain about a wine glass either. I’m just saying….)

2. Well “1.” pretty much sums it up. I serve nice, unchallenging yet drinkable wines at The Snug. You don’t need to fill your nostrils with them. You don’t need to look for their legs. But they do satiate those who are in the mood for wine while their friends enjoy a beer or cocktail, and they’re presented in glasses that are durable, fun, casual, and easy for the lone bartender to clean.

This reminds me of one of my favorite uppity quotes which comes via the old Grannie’s Burrito. A patron, when presented with their burrito in a plastic basket with paper napkins,  inquired…do you have cloth napkins? To which the server replied…you’re ON Fore Street not AT Fore Street.

Long and short…stop being a snob wanna-be. You’re drinking $10-a-bottle wine in a neighborhood pub. Act accordingly.

Am I Missing A Tooth?

The Professor, Goth Gilligan, MaryAnn, The Skipper, Ginger, Lovey and Thurston

Living in Maine for a decade or two or four, one just naturally picks up a cursory knowledge of weather. I type the letters NOAA about as frequently as I do WTF.  I’m just saying…WTF?

So, our company party.

This summer’s event was suppose to unfurl as follows…we dress up in our finest Gilligan’s Island costumes, cocktail cruise around Casco Bay at 6:30 then get dropped off at Joe’s Boathouse for a lobster dinner at 7:45.

[Insert here the sound of a needle being dragged across a spinning record; allow me to interject some history.]

How DID we survive that nasty storm? Wait...is that the sun shining?

Many months ago, I did a very silly thing. I had one too many glasses of wine at some charity auction thing. Yada, yada, yada…I’m the proud winner of a bullshit “Cocktail Cruise and 2lb Lobster Dinners for 8″ package. I say “bullshit” because, one, I’m a vegetarian. WTF? [2 through 4 are all little tidbits that were not disclosed until many weeks later when I finally tracking down a person who didn't say "I have no idea what you're talking about" when I would say "I'd like to speak to someone about this package that I bid on and won."] Two, the “cocktail” in “Cocktail Cruise” was describing the time of day for the cruise, not the activity. Three, the cruise was only for an hour (who goes out on a one hour cruise?). Four, the boat was not owned and operated by an outfit you’d find at Maine Association of Charterboat Captains …no, just a dude with a boat. Whatev. I decide to whip up a batch of lemonade out of this little “prize” and make it our company party.

Back to the future.

So, on the day of our party, the phone starts ringing around 4:00pm. Cappy’s getting nervous about the “storm” that’s a’brewing. Says he’s thinking it might be too risky. I’m actually in my car…my convertible frigging car…with the convertible friggin top down…thinking, okay…well we’re showing up at 6:30 regardless, so I’ll just hope for the best. Blah, blah, blah…I’m boring myself with this story…4:47 he calls to bail completely. Really? See above reference; Growing Up Maine. Just to be sure I wasn’t being a complete a-hole about this, I pulled up the Weather Underground’s tabular data. It goes a little something like this…between 4:00pm and 7:30pm the winds were “calm” averaging less than 1mph with gusts of upwards of 2 whole fricking mph! While there were showers, the average hourly rainfall rate was ZERO inches. No active advisories all day. No mention of thunder or lightening all day.

Professor: Well, that glue is permanent! There's nothing on the island to dissolve it. Why do you know what it would take? It would take a polyester derivative of an organic hydroxide molecule. Thurston Howell III: Watch your language! You're in the presence of a lady!

Yawn.

6:30 – Seven underwhelmed drag queens sitting on a deck.

7:30 – Eight slightly buzzed silly-dressed people enjoying a little attention.

8:30 – A significantly tipsy, full-bellied group looking f•¢king AWESOME!!!

Let me give a shout-out to Joe a la Joe’s Boathouse. His hospitality and doting staff saved the day! Of course, I’d also like to thank, and apologize to, the fine folks at Local 188, Bar of Chocolate, RiRa, and Commercial Street Pub.

This goes out to the way-too-many, new-to-America fellas who seriously thought we were fancy prostitutes.

Someone....who is never happy...who always has to complain about something...wanted this pic on the page too.

It’s that time of year again…

The Snug will be closed on Monday, August 24th, for our company party. We’re all going out on a boat dressed as the cast from Gilligan’s Island. The odds of us getting struck by lightening and killed are extremely good…therefore, if we’re closed on the 25th as well, you’ll know why.

Who will go as Ginger? It’s anyone’s guess. My money is on Sully!!! Stay tuned for pics.

NEW POST!!!!

I have absolutely nothing to rant about other than people, with apparent bat-like hearing who choose to live in an apartment above a bar.  Seriously….YOU LIVE ABOVE A BAR!!!!! Jesus. Get over it and go to Nomia already!

Anyway, we’re starting a new muggy-like clubby soon, however, we need to come up with a more clever name for “mug club” than “mug club.”  If you have a brilliant idea, please forward it to thesnugpub@gmail.com. [ shhhhhh....I'll give you the highlights....the "mugs" are metal, the dremel tool is real. You have to sign up for the "club," consume X # of beers, don the safety goggles, and then...AND ONLY THEN...make the mug your own with a unique engraving.]

Also, the T-shirts ARE on the way, however, there was a freak wind accident that caused a delay in production. I’ve finished men’s sizes M & XL and women’s S & L, but it seems unfair to trot those out before the rest.  Patience, people….it IS a virtue!

New Shit!

Admittedly, I’ve been more than delinquent in keeping up with my bloggin’, but I have a good excuse….really, I do.

However, without further ado, I’d like to be the 43rd person to tell you that we’ve switched up the beers on tap! You may now enjoy a delicious pint of Victory Hop Devil or Magic Hat Wacko

Hop Devil, as you know, a much beloved IPA (whopping “A- Excellent” review by the fine folks at BeerAdvocate) and Magic Hat Wacko, a seriously fun-fruity-red summer seasonal, are flying off the handles!!! Come see what all the whoop-dee-doo is all about!.