The Professor, Goth Gilligan, MaryAnn, The Skipper, Ginger, Lovey and Thurston
Living in Maine for a decade or two or four, one just naturally picks up a cursory knowledge of weather. I type the letters NOAA about as frequently as I do WTF. I’m just saying…WTF?
So, our company party.
This summer’s event was suppose to unfurl as follows…we dress up in our finest Gilligan’s Island costumes, cocktail cruise around Casco Bay at 6:30 then get dropped off at Joe’s Boathouse for a lobster dinner at 7:45.
[Insert here the sound of a needle being dragged across a spinning record; allow me to interject some history.]
How DID we survive that nasty storm? Wait...is that the sun shining?
Many months ago, I did a very silly thing. I had one too many glasses of wine at some charity auction thing. Yada, yada, yada…I’m the proud winner of a bullshit “Cocktail Cruise and 2lb Lobster Dinners for 8″ package. I say “bullshit” because, one, I’m a vegetarian. WTF? [2 through 4 are all little tidbits that were not disclosed until many weeks later when I finally tracking down a person who didn't say "I have no idea what you're talking about" when I would say "I'd like to speak to someone about this package that I bid on and won."] Two, the “cocktail” in “Cocktail Cruise” was describing the time of day for the cruise, not the activity. Three, the cruise was only for an hour (who goes out on a one hour cruise?). Four, the boat was not owned and operated by an outfit you’d find at Maine Association of Charterboat Captains …no, just a dude with a boat. Whatev. I decide to whip up a batch of lemonade out of this little “prize” and make it our company party.
Back to the future.
So, on the day of our party, the phone starts ringing around 4:00pm. Cappy’s getting nervous about the “storm” that’s a’brewing. Says he’s thinking it might be too risky. I’m actually in my car…my convertible frigging car…with the convertible friggin top down…thinking, okay…well we’re showing up at 6:30 regardless, so I’ll just hope for the best. Blah, blah, blah…I’m boring myself with this story…4:47 he calls to bail completely. Really? See above reference; Growing Up Maine. Just to be sure I wasn’t being a complete a-hole about this, I pulled up the Weather Underground’s tabular data. It goes a little something like this…between 4:00pm and 7:30pm the winds were “calm” averaging less than 1mph with gusts of upwards of 2 whole fricking mph! While there were showers, the average hourly rainfall rate was ZERO inches. No active advisories all day. No mention of thunder or lightening all day.
Professor: Well, that glue is permanent! There's nothing on the island to dissolve it. Why do you know what it would take? It would take a polyester derivative of an organic hydroxide molecule. Thurston Howell III: Watch your language! You're in the presence of a lady!
Yawn.
6:30 – Seven underwhelmed drag queens sitting on a deck.
7:30 – Eight slightly buzzed silly-dressed people enjoying a little attention.
8:30 – A significantly tipsy, full-bellied group looking f•¢king AWESOME!!!
Let me give a shout-out to Joe a la Joe’s Boathouse. His hospitality and doting staff saved the day! Of course, I’d also like to thank, and apologize to, the fine folks at Local 188, Bar of Chocolate, RiRa, and Commercial Street Pub.
This goes out to the way-too-many, new-to-America fellas who seriously thought we were fancy prostitutes.
Someone....who is never happy...who always has to complain about something...wanted this pic on the page too.
Posted 11 months, 1 week ago at 9:57 pm. No Comments
The Snug will be closed on Monday, August 24th, for our company party. We’re all going out on a boat dressed as the cast from Gilligan’s Island. The odds of us getting struck by lightening and killed are extremely good…therefore, if we’re closed on the 25th as well, you’ll know why.
Who will go as Ginger? It’s anyone’s guess. My money is on Sully!!! Stay tuned for pics.
Posted 11 months, 2 weeks ago at 3:43 pm. No Comments
I have absolutely nothing to rant about other than people, with apparent bat-like hearing who choose to live in an apartment above a bar. Seriously….YOU LIVE ABOVE A BAR!!!!! Jesus. Get over it and go to Nomia already!
Anyway, we’re starting a new muggy-like clubby soon, however, we need to come up with a more clever name for “mug club” than “mug club.” If you have a brilliant idea, please forward it to thesnugpub@gmail.com. [ shhhhhh....I'll give you the highlights....the "mugs" are metal, the dremel tool is real. You have to sign up for the "club," consume X # of beers, don the safety goggles, and then...AND ONLY THEN...make the mug your own with a unique engraving.]
Also, the T-shirts ARE on the way, however, there was a freak wind accident that caused a delay in production. I’ve finished men’s sizes M & XL and women’s S & L, but it seems unfair to trot those out before the rest. Patience, people….it IS a virtue!
Posted 1 year ago at 9:57 pm. No Comments
Admittedly, I’ve been more than delinquent in keeping up with my bloggin’, but I have a good excuse….really, I do.
However, without further ado, I’d like to be the 43rd person to tell you that we’ve switched up the beers on tap! You may now enjoy a delicious pint of Victory Hop Devil or Magic Hat Wacko
Hop Devil, as you know, a much beloved IPA (whopping “A- Excellent” review by the fine folks at BeerAdvocate) and Magic Hat Wacko, a seriously fun-fruity-red summer seasonal, are flying off the handles!!! Come see what all the whoop-dee-doo is all about!.
Posted 1 year, 2 months ago at 10:29 pm. No Comments
…in addition to the normal hysteria associated with The Snug between the hours of 5 and 7, this Friday will also showcase the smash-debut of our new signature drink Meadish Sweet Balls, made with the HoneyMaker Mead. This well-crafted glass of deliciousness is the fruit of hours and hours and hours of painstaking R&D 
and will be offered at a ridiculously low-low price (upwards of 2% less than the normal asking price! jk).
Word on the street is that Eli (vestedly interested in HoneyMaker Mead) and perhaps other vestedly interested mead-people, will be in attendance to answer any questions about this delightful beverage.
Posted 1 year, 3 months ago at 9:50 am. No Comments
Michelle actually DID win Best Bartender ‘09 from the Portland Phoenix!!!
While she has not received her plaque yet…and is torturing the poor Phoenix people with daily phone calls requesting updates on its whereabouts…it is definitely official.
Posted 1 year, 3 months ago at 2:43 pm. No Comments
Below are excerpts taken from Michelle’s diary. I share this with you so that you may better understand my plight.
April 09, 2008
just got word that I did NOT win Best Bartender…AGAIN…from the Portland Phoenix. i’m so humiliated. told people i didn’t care, but i do. it hurts. HURTS. real bad. the agony of defeat. feel urge to kill. been drinkin jack all day. helping. hopefully i’ll black out before i cry myself to sleep.
April 10, 2008
great day!
new plan…no more sulking…vengeance WILL be mine!!! not waiting 20-something years like that loser susan lucci. F that!!! if i can’t win fair and square, i’ll steal the motherucker.
first point of order, compile list of ALL potential 2009 Best Bartender nominees. kill them. jk…not really…jk. can’t get caught. yikes. i wouldn’t last a day in the dollhouse.
got it!…start rumor that sully is a serial killer…kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
no good. killin’ is wrong. lol.
um…think of ways to eliminate competition whilst making it look like a string of accidents. yes! a la tonya harding!! that’s it. i’ll Gillooly their hands. can’t make drinks if they’ve got no fingers!!!
June 3, 2008
elimination efforts going well. even my cop friends don’t suspect. 53 hands inoperable 367 to go!
still stings whenever i think about april’s defeat. doing too much blow in an effort to squash to pain of rejection. good thing it’s not addictive!
June 16, 2008
Mags found my journal. thinks it’s a bad idea to keep diary outlining plot. will speak in code from now on.
snorting B [wink] has given me a rockin’ bod but i seriously think all the HJs and BJs would be just as well received if I were a fatty. all about winning votes, not about getting extra cash to score more B. wow…i love the B so much, you’d think it WAS addictive. i’m pretty sure i read somewhere that it wasn’t.
July 24, 2008
followed 2008 portland phoenix best bartender winner, JG, to his place of employ, Full Beeney’s [wink wink]. mags keeps telling me to let it go, but revenge is important. made several attempts to unleash hell, but JG keep interrupting plan by asking me…like, every two minutes…if i wanted a drink. wtf? hellllloooo? nobody asks a customer what they want for at least 20 minutes. sheeezh. how’d this guy win best bartender in the first place? bygones…for now.
September 1, 2008
have successfully secured incriminating photos of all Phoenix big-wigs. jaw hurts and palms blistered but worth it!!!!
October 20, 2008
decided to take mag’s advise and try to actually win over the public with this new thing called “customer service.” because i stared at her blankly while she blathered on and on and on about it, she signed me up for some bullshit professional development & people-skills workshop. she said there was free booze there. i’ll check it out. whatev.
October 21, 2008
expelled from bullshit workshop for various reasons (use your imagination, diary, lol), however, learned a few things before being asked – no so nicely, btw – to leave.
1. customers do not appreciate urine OR feces in their drinks OR food, EVER. no senses of humor.
2. customers may not be receptive to physical attacks, even if i say “just kidding” immediately after.
3. showing up to work drunk is frowned upon in many workplace environments.
4. while tiny-Tshirts may win votes, considered unprofessional. f that!
5. HJs and BJs are not acceptable customer services. (they never said anything about RJs. hahaha)
December 24, 2008
feeling ho-ho-ho due to all the HJs, BJs, RJs, and B. could be all the B, but feel best-bartender win is in the bag!!!! GOD, THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!
January 1, 2009
new year’s resolution…no more B, hookers, late-night TV shopping, online porn (“erotica,” sorry M), or armed robberies. feeling VERY positive. willpower at an all-time high!!!
January 2, 2008
f*¢k!…my head. several questions, who’s the dead hooker next to me? where did these ginsu knives come from? why are cops knocking on my door? and is that blood splatters on my glock-9? OMG, my pockets are full of $20s and $10s – AWESOME!!!
February 14, 2009
ah, the day of love! gave out many HJs with no vote-reciprocity necessary!!! jk. as if.
March 1, 2009
The nominations are in!!! turns out big-wigs at phoenix know what’s best for ‘em.
March 10, 2009
shit! all top phoenix fat-cats resigned. no time to get dirt on new bunch. also, need to stop methodically maiming portland bartenders and focus on 4 actual nominees. good times, though…good times.
hmmm. how to eliminate the remaining competition…killing would seem suspicious at this point. must start kiddie-touching rumors.
March 30, 2009
OMG…jaw is going to drop off! customers are insatiable, especially the lesbians!
got bad news from gyn…no cure. ouch. whatev…if winning was easy, everybody’d be doing it!
April 7, 2009
can’t concentrate. results come out soon.
feel pretty good about chances. have several phoenix printers and distributors tied up in basement as i write. between sobbing, i’m pretty sure i heard one of them say “michelle won easy…michelle won easy.” but dakota…a.k.a., kill-joy…thought they were saying “please don’t kill me….please don’t kill me.”
we’ll see. lol
Posted 1 year, 3 months ago at 10:14 am. No Comments
As you all know, I’m kinda lazy and not big on crazy mix-em-ups. Well, put on a clean pair of underpants cause I’m coming off of St Patrick’s Day swinging!!! There are so many changes a-comin’, I don’t know where to begin.
Okay, there are only two changes and I already mentioned one (tabbbbles….hellllllooooooo???).
The other is HoneyMaker™ Mead!
One of the founders, Eli, was either brave enough or numb enough to approach me on St. Patrick’s Day. I didn’t have a minute to spare, nor the desire to entertain another sales call later in the week, so I ordered a case based partly on reputation, partly on weirdness, and partly on my desire to support local businesses. Read all about HoneyMaker Dry Mead and then come in for a glass or two or four!
Posted 1 year, 4 months ago at 10:27 pm. No Comments
As I was ushered out of my own pub before 6:00pm (“If you’re not drinking, you’re just taking up space!”), I don’t have a lot of firsthand accounts of the evening at Le Snooge (like so many other scary occasions, e.g., New Year’s Eves, watching the Red Sox in a playoff game, or our own birthdays, Troy and I prefer to stay home with the covers pulled up to our eyebrows, clinging to each other knowing that it will all be over in a few hours) . What I do know for certain is…very slow start (would someone PLEASE remind me not to open before 3:00pm next year), Michelle and I enjoyed uber-yummy lunches from Silly’s (my god, could those people be any nicer?), pondered for the longest time why a certain someone whose name starts with “Jah” and ends in “ole” is sooooo very angry, welcomed 20-odd Nappi/Guinness crawlers who were surprisingly alert considering what time most of them started, enjoyed watching Brandie enjoy her day off, and then ducked as the masses poured in around five.
All in all, the day could not have been better…not too boozy crowd, zero vomit, only one overly-zealous-with-the-chalk guy, (unless she’s lying) Michelle didn’t yell at anyone, and (unless she’s lying) no green dye was smuggled in! Bravo Snug Custys….BRAVO!!!!
Feel free to add your recollections of SPD ‘09 under the “Bob Loblaw” feedback link!
Posted 1 year, 4 months ago at 11:53 am. No Comments