April 09, 2008

just got word that I did NOT win Best Bartender…AGAIN…from the Portland Phoenix. i’m so humiliated. told people i didn’t care, but i do. it hurts. HURTS. real bad. the agony of defeat. feel urge to kill. been drinkin jack all day. helping. hopefully i’ll black out before i cry myself to sleep.

April 10, 2008

great day!

new plan…no more sulking…vengeance WILL be mine!!! not waiting 20-something years like that loser susan lucci. F that!!! if i can’t win fair and square, i’ll steal the motherucker.

first point of order, compile list of ALL potential 2009 Best Bartender nominees. kill them. jk…not really…jk. can’t get caught. yikes. i wouldn’t last a day in the dollhouse.

got it!…start rumor that sully is a serial killer…kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

no good. killin’ is wrong. lol.

um…think of ways to eliminate competition whilst making it look like a string of accidents. yes! a la tonya harding!! that’s it. i’ll Gillooly their hands. can’t make drinks if they’ve got no fingers!!!

June 3, 2008

elimination efforts going well. even my cop friends don’t suspect. 53 hands inoperable 367 to go!

still stings whenever i think about april’s defeat. doing too much blow in an effort to squash to pain of rejection. good thing it’s not addictive!

June 16, 2008

Mags found my journal. thinks it’s a bad idea to keep diary outlining plot. will speak in code from now on.

snorting B [wink] has given me a rockin’ bod but i seriously think all the HJs and BJs would be just as well received if I were a fatty. all about winning votes, not about getting extra cash to score more B. wow…i love the B so much, you’d think it WAS addictive. i’m pretty sure i read somewhere that it wasn’t.

July 24, 2008

followed 2008 portland phoenix best bartender winner, JG, to his place of employ, Full Beeney’s [wink wink]. mags keeps telling me to let it go, but revenge is important. made several attempts to unleash hell, but JG keep interrupting plan by asking me…like, every two minutes…if i wanted a drink. wtf? hellllloooo? nobody asks a customer what they want for at least 20 minutes. sheeezh. how’d this guy win best bartender in the first place? bygones…for now.

September 1, 2008

have successfully secured incriminating photos of all Phoenix big-wigs. jaw hurts and palms blistered but worth it!!!!

October 20, 2008

decided to take mag’s advise and try to actually win over the public with this new thing called “customer service.” because i stared at her blankly while she blathered on and on and on about it, she signed me up for some bullshit professional development & people-skills workshop. she said there was free booze there. i’ll check it out. whatev.

October 21, 2008

expelled from bullshit workshop for various reasons (use your imagination, diary, lol), however, learned a few things before being asked – no so nicely, btw – to leave.

1. customers do not appreciate urine OR feces in their drinks OR food, EVER. no senses of humor.

2. customers may not be receptive to physical attacks, even if i say “just kidding” immediately after.

3. showing up to work drunk is frowned upon in many workplace environments.

4. while tiny-Tshirts may win votes, considered unprofessional. f that!

5. HJs and BJs are not acceptable customer services. (they never said anything about RJs. hahaha)

December 24, 2008

feeling ho-ho-ho due to all the HJs, BJs, RJs, and B. could be all the B, but feel best-bartender win is in the bag!!!! GOD, THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!

January 1, 2009

new year’s resolution…no more B, hookers, late-night TV shopping, online porn (“erotica,” sorry M), or armed robberies. feeling VERY positive. willpower at an all-time high!!!

January 2, 2008

f*¢k!…my head. several questions, who’s the dead hooker next to me? where did these ginsu knives come from? why are cops knocking on my door? and is that blood splatters on my glock-9? OMG, my pockets are full of $20s and $10s – AWESOME!!!

February 14, 2009

ah, the day of love! gave out many HJs with no vote-reciprocity necessary!!! jk. as if.

March 1, 2009

The nominations are in!!! turns out big-wigs at phoenix know what’s best for ‘em.

March 10, 2009

shit! all top phoenix fat-cats resigned. no time to get dirt on new bunch. also, need to stop methodically maiming portland bartenders and focus on 4 actual nominees. good times, though…good times.

hmmm. how to eliminate the remaining competition…killing would seem suspicious at this point. must start kiddie-touching rumors.

March 30, 2009

OMG…jaw is going to drop off! customers are insatiable, especially the lesbians!

got bad news from gyn…no cure. ouch. whatev…if winning was easy, everybody’d be doing it!

April 7, 2009

can’t concentrate. results come out soon.

feel pretty good about chances. have several phoenix printers and distributors tied up in basement as i write. between sobbing, i’m pretty sure i heard one of them say “michelle won easy…michelle won easy.” but dakota…a.k.a., kill-joy…thought they were saying “please don’t kill me….please don’t kill me.”

we’ll see. lol

Without a doubt, I’d rather hear “Ma’am, we’re going to have to wait for the ambulance before attempting to remove that D.O.T/MUTCD compliant traffic sign from your rectum.” or “It appears you’re going to have a baby…eight actually.” The “I’m sick” phone call is to me, as an unexpected car-door slam is to desperate housewife humping her neighbor’s husband…paralyzed, hoping beyond hope that we simply heard wrong.

However, yesterday I did NOT hear wrong. Michelle had poisoned herself [good luck trying to pin-point the culprit...have you ever gotten the 411 on what that girl throws down her throat in a day?]. She was achy, chilled, puking; the works. Okay…don’t panic…she hasn’t actually uttered the words “I won’t be in.” She says she’ll take a nap and hopefully feel better by 3:00. We open at 5:00, so it doesn’t allow a whole lot of wiggle room, but, in general, I’m a very lucky person so I take that bet, pop a few valium, breath deeply and say “You go take a nappy-nap, Pumpkin, and we’ll see how you feel in a bit…’kay?”

That’s when my trusty little iPhone got the workout of it’s life. Tongue hanging out, fingers but a blur, sparks flying from the very sexy 3.5-inch (diagonal) widescreen Multi-Touch display as I texted with speed and accuracy on the predictive Multi-Touch keyboard. Please, please, …anyone….no?…you’re already working?…made plans?…you have a what growing where?…nevermind…please…no?…please. I exhausted all practicing/retired/paroled bartenders and started compiling a list of people who were just big drinkers….but alas…no need! Michelle napped and was well enough to work!!! …sorta. I won’t go on about her appearance or smell, but suffice it to say, I was simply thrilled that there would be a quasi-warm body behind the bar.

Many, many thanks to Nate, our Thursday night Bar Maintenance Assistant, and to the world’s best regulars ever!!!

The bartenders. Yes! Let us talk about the bartenders.

Sully: Ole Sully. What can I say that hasn’t already been written? He’s an institution (usually on the paying side of the bar, but whatev) in this town.  His likes:…em, we’ll get back to this.  His dislikes: Sully doesn’t enjoy making pizzas. He doesn’t like changing kegs. He thinks taking down empties is stupid. Don’t even get me started on settling out the credit cards. He hates making hot toddys. He despises cutting fruit. I think he may, in fact, abhor bartending but I needed a “Sully” to work at The Snug and he was the only Sully I knew that I also had incriminating photos of.  Let’s just say….Sully ain’t goin’ no-wheah.

Michelle: The quintessential MILF (…no Dakota…not that…I mean Modern Independent Lady Folk…get your mind out of the gutter).  She’s sassy, hysterical (literally…all definitions of the word are applicable), tough as nails, uncompromising, thoughtful, and a habitually nominated (fingers crossed a la Susan Lucci) Best Bartender of the Year!  Her likes:…em, we’ll get back to this…jk…she likes dogs, boots, the RHCPs (give it a rest already), the gays, big tippers, PPD and PFD, our new president, horses, compliments on her hair, breasts, and/or ass, and making hot toddys.  Her dislikes: Gum stuck anywhere (as I hate it more than she does, and therefore, she is the one that has to deal with it), baby-hatin’ customers, pukers, anyone that doesn’t agree with her, irish music, parking bans, and about 4000 other things that I can think of just off the top of my head.

Barry: He’s our resident story teller.  Why, he could watch his laundry spin in a dryer and then recount the most delightful tale of the interactions between his socks and underpants (I’m assuming he wears underpants…awkward). His likes: hair product, man-bags, shorts all year round (though I suspect the harshness of winter ‘08/’09 is the reason behind him sporting the long pants so much lately), ebay, and unbundling all the $1s in the drawer. His dislikes: I seriously can’t think of any dislikes…maybe country music?

Brandie: Brandie is our newest addition and she took to it like a fish in salt water (everyone knows that fresh water fish are lazy and stupid). One might think that I hired her because she has red hair, an effervescent personality, and is a top-notch bartender, but ultimately it all boiled down to the fact that she’s a girl.  Girl’s are simply neater (house-keepingly) than boys.  Her likes: Butterflies, Beyonce Knowles, band-aids, bangers (veggie) & mash, bungee jumping, balloons, badminton, bar mitzvahs, and the color blue. Her dislikes: (I made up most of the likes btw) me.  Seriously! She hates me.  All she ever talks about is how she’s going to kill me in my sleep. WTF?