Because Sully is going in for his annual Cellureduce Wrap, it makes sense to take the day off. Enjoy!

They have no excuse. I’m calling bullshit on the argument that they’re “surrounded by obnoxious kids all day and need to blow off a little steam.” One, you’re in spring training….there aren’t even kids around yet. Two, this is what adults call accountability. You chose the gig. Now grow a set and shut the fuck up. You’re old enough to drink…you’re old enough to not act like a screaming retard every time an opportunity presents itself. If you’re so friggin twitchy, do me a favor and stay back at CampFuckyFuckFuck and get your drink-on behind the lodge.

That is all.

Best Bar Owner [sure, saw that coming a mile away]

Best Business of Any Sort in Maine [again....duh?!?]

Best Short Film – Live Action – 2 Reels [huh?]

Super Bowl XLIV Champion [did I miss something?]

2010 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate [I'm humbled but skeptical]

Best Friend Forever – Paris Hilton [okay; now I know someone is fucking with me].

In any event, I’d like to thank a few people for making this all possible. First and foremost, I’d like to thank that big guy in the sky…Louis Anderson. [He's so fat, when he jumped up in the air, he stuck]. jk. Mr. Anderson had NOTHING to do with my achievements, past, present or future.

No…seriously, I’d like to thank the most awesome customers a gal could ever want. You guys make The Snug what it is…The best pub in Portland!!!  [well, I'm responsible for 98% of what's so awesome about The Snug, but, without a doubt, you guys are a solid 2%!!! Stop your bitchin'. 2% is a lot. Honestly. Aaaaaauuggghh, you ninnies. Why do I even bother?]

I just have to get some locks on the cabinet doors (as everyone knows what sticky fingered filchers tipsy people are!) and then…finally…T-Shirts!!!

I seem to be having a burst of energy!!!! OMG!!!

Nope…

Next topic. Over the next couple of weeks [read:months] please pardon The Snug’s appearance. I’m installing a little somethin-somethin that I guarantee will amaze and delight…me. You may not appreciate it. I know for a fact, my beer-delivery-guys are going to HATE it, but it’s something that I’ve been wanting to do so, fuck it, I’m doing it. It’s really pricey but I was thinking about it, and as Michelle will be looking at it WAY more than me, I’m taking the money out of her paycheck to pay for it. Also, I have instructed her that she will need to perform certain erotic favors to certain vendors to get certain parts at certain prices. Again, my point…she’s going to be broke and sore…go easy on her.

And finally, a personal note to my GotCalledOutSoNowHeIsFeelingAllSulky cyber-stalker. FYI, my SweetBaby may be a handsome man, a brilliant mind, a composer of songs that make the whole world sing, but he is also an IT Engineer by trade. Just so you know…we’re watching you watch me!

Oh, and another thing…soon I’ll have to raise the prices a little bit…don’t hit me!

]]> http://thesnugpub.com/2010/02/oh-we-have-paddy-now-my-b/feed/ 0 http://thesnugpub.com/2009/12/did-you-lose-a-chenille-scarf/ http://thesnugpub.com/2009/12/did-you-lose-a-chenille-scarf/#comments Thu, 31 Dec 2009 05:15:51 +0000 Margaret Lyons http://thesnugpub.com/?p=677 Well, it sucks to be you!

[Brinnggg brinnggg]

(MICHELLE) Hello?…The Snug…how can I help you?

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Yes, I left a chenille scarf at the bar last night.

(MICHELLE) Oh…let me check…hmmm….sorry….it’s not here.

[For normal folks, the conversation should have ended here]

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Uh, I was sitting in the first booth…it’s chenille.

(MICHELLE) Yep, I checked all the booths and all the places it would have been put if it had been found, but it’s not here.

[This is where the conversation should have ended if the person on the other end suffered from a slight mental health issue but managed it with a steady flow of Xanax].

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Are you sure?

(MICHELLE) I’ll keep an eye out, but it’s seriously not here.

(DOUCHEBAG FEMALE) Fine.

Click.

A few minutes later, a man enters…slaps his palms down on the bar and says…

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) I’m looking for a scarf my wife left here last night.

(MICHELLE) Yes, she just called…I’m sorry…I looked all around and continued to look after we hung up…It’s just not here.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) We were sitting right there!!!

[picture a Hitleresque lunatic pointing at one of the booths]

(MICHELLE) And, as you can see, it’s not there. It’s not in this bar.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) Really?

(MICHELLE) Really.

(DOUCHEBAG MALE) REALLY?!?!

(MICHELLE) Really.

[end scene]

First of all, I’d like to tell Mr. and Mrs. Knob-Job to go fuck themselves. Since when is it my frigging job to babysit your scraggly-ass, dime store, chenille scarf? And (b), who the hell are you to pitch a hissy in my bar after you were the one too feckless to hang onto your shit? Auuuuuggghhhhh…I hate you! You make me want to run away to Panama City and open a hump-hump bar.

The Snug will be closed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, as well as New Year’s Day.

Oh, and another thing…we’ll be closed until 7:00pm on January second. A couple who met and fell in love at The Snug have decided to get married here! (I made that last bit up. Psych! The part about them meeting at The Snug, i.e. They are, in fact, a couple and are getting married at The Snug and we will be closed until 7, but the rest is bullshit.)

All night long, I will beat RiRa’s  price on a pint of Guinness by .25¢!

Shit…then you’d be paying .75¢ more than you normally would at The Snug. Hmmmm.  Well, that’s pretty special for me!

Wine Glasses. That’s the topic. Much controversy surrounds the non-stemware I’ve chosen to serve wine in. Trust me when I say I could go on and on and on and on defending what constitutes a traditional wine glass. I could discredit the merits associated with modern-day stemware easier than deflowering a whore on Mellon Street. Why, I could even make some shit up…which is what I do best. But, since I am, in fact, PMSing and this is going to come out bitchy regardless, I might as well be frank.

1. Wine doesn’t make the cut here at The Snug. It’s not a big seller, spoilage is redonkerous, and too many of the people who drink wine are A-holes so they’re not exactly high on my woo list. (Now, let me be the first to interject that I typically drink wine over all other adult beverages. Am I an A-hole? Who’s to say for sure. I don’t think so, but then again, I’m not the kind to reject a bottle or complain about a wine glass either. I’m just saying….)

2. Well “1.” pretty much sums it up. I serve nice, unchallenging yet drinkable wines at The Snug. You don’t need to fill your nostrils with them. You don’t need to look for their legs. But they do satiate those who are in the mood for wine while their friends enjoy a beer or cocktail, and they’re presented in glasses that are durable, fun, casual, and easy for the lone bartender to clean.

This reminds me of one of my favorite uppity quotes which comes via the old Grannie’s Burrito. A patron, when presented with their burrito in a plastic basket with paper napkins,  inquired…do you have cloth napkins? To which the server replied…you’re ON Fore Street not AT Fore Street.

Long and short…stop being a snob wanna-be. You’re drinking $10-a-bottle wine in a neighborhood pub. Act accordingly.