The Professor, Goth Gilligan, MaryAnn, The Skipper, Ginger, Lovey and Thurston

Living in Maine for a decade or two or four, one just naturally picks up a cursory knowledge of weather. I type the letters NOAA about as frequently as I do WTF.  I’m just saying…WTF?

So, our company party.

This summer’s event was suppose to unfurl as follows…we dress up in our finest Gilligan’s Island costumes, cocktail cruise around Casco Bay at 6:30 then get dropped off at Joe’s Boathouse for a lobster dinner at 7:45.

[Insert here the sound of a needle being dragged across a spinning record; allow me to interject some history.]

How DID we survive that nasty storm? Wait...is that the sun shining?

Many months ago, I did a very silly thing. I had one too many glasses of wine at some charity auction thing. Yada, yada, yada…I’m the proud winner of a bullshit “Cocktail Cruise and 2lb Lobster Dinners for 8″ package. I say “bullshit” because, one, I’m a vegetarian. WTF? [2 through 4 are all little tidbits that were not disclosed until many weeks later when I finally tracking down a person who didn't say "I have no idea what you're talking about" when I would say "I'd like to speak to someone about this package that I bid on and won."] Two, the “cocktail” in “Cocktail Cruise” was describing the time of day for the cruise, not the activity. Three, the cruise was only for an hour (who goes out on a one hour cruise?). Four, the boat was not owned and operated by an outfit you’d find at Maine Association of Charterboat Captains …no, just a dude with a boat. Whatev. I decide to whip up a batch of lemonade out of this little “prize” and make it our company party.

Back to the future.

So, on the day of our party, the phone starts ringing around 4:00pm. Cappy’s getting nervous about the “storm” that’s a’brewing. Says he’s thinking it might be too risky. I’m actually in my car…my convertible frigging car…with the convertible friggin top down…thinking, okay…well we’re showing up at 6:30 regardless, so I’ll just hope for the best. Blah, blah, blah…I’m boring myself with this story…4:47 he calls to bail completely. Really? See above reference; Growing Up Maine. Just to be sure I wasn’t being a complete a-hole about this, I pulled up the Weather Underground’s tabular data. It goes a little something like this…between 4:00pm and 7:30pm the winds were “calm” averaging less than 1mph with gusts of upwards of 2 whole fricking mph! While there were showers, the average hourly rainfall rate was ZERO inches. No active advisories all day. No mention of thunder or lightening all day.

Professor: Well, that glue is permanent! There's nothing on the island to dissolve it. Why do you know what it would take? It would take a polyester derivative of an organic hydroxide molecule. Thurston Howell III: Watch your language! You're in the presence of a lady!

Yawn.

6:30 – Seven underwhelmed drag queens sitting on a deck.

7:30 – Eight slightly buzzed silly-dressed people enjoying a little attention.

8:30 – A significantly tipsy, full-bellied group looking f•¢king AWESOME!!!

Let me give a shout-out to Joe a la Joe’s Boathouse. His hospitality and doting staff saved the day! Of course, I’d also like to thank, and apologize to, the fine folks at Local 188, Bar of Chocolate, RiRa, and Commercial Street Pub.

This goes out to the way-too-many, new-to-America fellas who seriously thought we were fancy prostitutes.

Someone....who is never happy...who always has to complain about something...wanted this pic on the page too.